No more whispers of a wasted life.
Isaiah 9:6
"For to us a child is born...and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."
It is when we believe He is not everything that we need that He precisely is.
As I discover my path in the Lord albeit alone I realize it cannot be compared to any one else's path, for it is my own.
These are the soldiership years.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Friday, December 13, 2013
Into Space
It's on my days where I have a lot to do I legitimately want to do nothing.
I can't believe I have the entire weekend off. I work almost every day next week, so I'm sure that has something to do with it. It's so easy to just stare off into space these days. Think of nothing, and no one, and just enter the zone. My dreams are quickly forgotten and I fall asleep right after.
We're doing this thing at work where we create gift baskets for customers to purchase. I made 5 gift baskets yesterday that got put on display and one of my managers said to me, isn't it a nice feeling when someone wants what you created? Yes, yes it is. :)
A lot of people are just ready for Christmas to be here. Let's get it over with. Or, it's too much trouble, good thing this is a once a year thing. I don't know. I don't really appreciate that negativity. I'm not saying we all need to watch Elf followed by kumbaya and candlelight. But I am saying it's okay to just be happy.
Is that such a foreign subject?
I've kind of been thinking that the key to my own unhappiness can only be that I don't think God is still God when I don't like my circumstances. I'm sure Adam and Even may have felt a similar feeling when they were standing buck ass nude in the garden of Eden. Pondering what they'd done...what was to come. Well, what happens next? Is God still God, after all?
I don't suppose He is. I know He is.
And I think that's what this whole year has really been about. When you're world is falling apart and you're needed but not wanted--is God....God?
I have this feeling in my spirit. No need to rush, it says. It's the end of the year...let's not rush. Let's just stare off into space.
To quote one of my favorite books as a child,
"It's morning. It's morning, and there's so much to see."
I can't believe I have the entire weekend off. I work almost every day next week, so I'm sure that has something to do with it. It's so easy to just stare off into space these days. Think of nothing, and no one, and just enter the zone. My dreams are quickly forgotten and I fall asleep right after.
We're doing this thing at work where we create gift baskets for customers to purchase. I made 5 gift baskets yesterday that got put on display and one of my managers said to me, isn't it a nice feeling when someone wants what you created? Yes, yes it is. :)
A lot of people are just ready for Christmas to be here. Let's get it over with. Or, it's too much trouble, good thing this is a once a year thing. I don't know. I don't really appreciate that negativity. I'm not saying we all need to watch Elf followed by kumbaya and candlelight. But I am saying it's okay to just be happy.
Is that such a foreign subject?
I've kind of been thinking that the key to my own unhappiness can only be that I don't think God is still God when I don't like my circumstances. I'm sure Adam and Even may have felt a similar feeling when they were standing buck ass nude in the garden of Eden. Pondering what they'd done...what was to come. Well, what happens next? Is God still God, after all?
I don't suppose He is. I know He is.
And I think that's what this whole year has really been about. When you're world is falling apart and you're needed but not wanted--is God....God?
I have this feeling in my spirit. No need to rush, it says. It's the end of the year...let's not rush. Let's just stare off into space.
To quote one of my favorite books as a child,
"It's morning. It's morning, and there's so much to see."
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Just Singin' in the Rain
I'd be in bed right now if I didn't have laundry in the washer.
It's been a busy week for me. I'm working over 30 hours this week, which is pretty good. Work gets busier and busier the closer we get to Christmas. I don't mind it being busy. I've come to realize though that I--and only I--am responsible for my actions. Even when my actions aren't responsible.
I thought it was weird today how I got on Pinterest (which I often frequent) and saw nothing but an ass load of Nelson Mandela quotes. I don't think its right that we only talk about influential people when they die. That makes me question how influential they were to begin with, or if they were just a body for a name. I mean, the same goes for Paul Walker. Everyone is talking about what a kind man he was when he was alive--and yeah, he was. But how come we didn't talk about that then? Like when he was breathing. I don't know. Just something to keep in mind...people should be loved here and now.
Life's been weird lately. I've been realizing God's always got a plan b. And plan c. And plan d. Number 23:19 says God is not a man that he should lie. So whatever he has to fulfill for a person, he will. Why? Um...because He's God. That's why.
I think about the last guy I loved (deeply) and my parents divorcing. I think of Adam and Even in the garden of Eden. I'm sure God's original plan was for them to grow old together there and frolic in the forests in love and blessings. However, plans have a way of going awry. Right? Things worked out anyway...but my point is this:
God has a plan B for my life. I didn't end up with the man of my dreams. My parents didn't end up together. But...
God. But God man! Think about it. He's always got a plan B. And if that doesn't work out, don't you think he's got a plan C? I mean we can pitch as many fits as we want but it wont change God and his good intentions.
I confess I have been lonely as of late. I've got friends at work and I talk to my mom often and my sister too. I've got my kitty Ruby who welcomes me back to my Aunt's when I get back every day.
But I don't know man. Someone told me that December is a month of victory. That's awesome but personally, I'd like to just be over and done with this month.
My fortune cookie the other day said to be relieved because the holidays are almost over. I laughed at that.
It's been a busy week for me. I'm working over 30 hours this week, which is pretty good. Work gets busier and busier the closer we get to Christmas. I don't mind it being busy. I've come to realize though that I--and only I--am responsible for my actions. Even when my actions aren't responsible.
I thought it was weird today how I got on Pinterest (which I often frequent) and saw nothing but an ass load of Nelson Mandela quotes. I don't think its right that we only talk about influential people when they die. That makes me question how influential they were to begin with, or if they were just a body for a name. I mean, the same goes for Paul Walker. Everyone is talking about what a kind man he was when he was alive--and yeah, he was. But how come we didn't talk about that then? Like when he was breathing. I don't know. Just something to keep in mind...people should be loved here and now.
Life's been weird lately. I've been realizing God's always got a plan b. And plan c. And plan d. Number 23:19 says God is not a man that he should lie. So whatever he has to fulfill for a person, he will. Why? Um...because He's God. That's why.
I think about the last guy I loved (deeply) and my parents divorcing. I think of Adam and Even in the garden of Eden. I'm sure God's original plan was for them to grow old together there and frolic in the forests in love and blessings. However, plans have a way of going awry. Right? Things worked out anyway...but my point is this:
God has a plan B for my life. I didn't end up with the man of my dreams. My parents didn't end up together. But...
God. But God man! Think about it. He's always got a plan B. And if that doesn't work out, don't you think he's got a plan C? I mean we can pitch as many fits as we want but it wont change God and his good intentions.
I confess I have been lonely as of late. I've got friends at work and I talk to my mom often and my sister too. I've got my kitty Ruby who welcomes me back to my Aunt's when I get back every day.
But I don't know man. Someone told me that December is a month of victory. That's awesome but personally, I'd like to just be over and done with this month.
My fortune cookie the other day said to be relieved because the holidays are almost over. I laughed at that.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
The Hardest Thing
The hardest thing I'll ever have to do is walk away and say I don't love you.
The hardest thing--to move, grow, and see.
To feel older.
The hardest thing--to move, grow, and see.
To feel older.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Aches and Pains
I woke up to go to church this morning and I just didn't have it in me to go. I called up my Grandpa, told him not to pick me up, and attempted to sleep in. Some days you need that. I don't know if I needed it today or not...but some days I just give up.
There are some things I'm working on letting go of simply because I don't see any fruit for that which I believe in. Well, I'm trying to let go (isn't it Yoda who said "Do or do not. There is no try."?)but it hurts. Maybe in this way I can let go of what I'm supposed to and receive what I'm meant to. This year has been full of aches and pains in and outside of the heart. I feel defeated, but one thing God has mentioned to me several times lately is not to depend on how I feel but on every word of God.
I feel as though I'm working more and more and I'm excited but also stressed. It's funny how quickly Cost Plus has become a routine for me. I feel like I've always worked there when I haven't. I'm looking to do more at the job and build there. I feel like the Lord has made it so I find favor there, and I'm very blessed for this.
Should I stay or should I go? That's been a heavy question on my heart lately. I am praying to see if I'm meant to stay in San Diego for a time, and how long that time may be. I really would like to get my own space just so I can have my own room again, and so Ruby (zee kitty) could roam freely. I miss my mom, who lives in Sacramento, but I don't know if I'll ever live near her or not. It's funny how a life just sneaks up on you.
I feel like I avoid mirrors these days. Not because I'm ugly and ratchet. But because I don't know who this chick is any more! Seriously, the year is almost over and I have no idea. I feel like the person who's meant to love everyone and give them joy--those are my gifts, love and joy--but who never feels loved in return. I've had a reoccurring dream lately. Every time I have it seems really risqué...and probably not something you blog about (lol) but it symbolizes my feelings about life. Tired. Barren. Needing love and release.
But there I go again with my feelings.
The only constant in life is change.
There are some things I'm working on letting go of simply because I don't see any fruit for that which I believe in. Well, I'm trying to let go (isn't it Yoda who said "Do or do not. There is no try."?)but it hurts. Maybe in this way I can let go of what I'm supposed to and receive what I'm meant to. This year has been full of aches and pains in and outside of the heart. I feel defeated, but one thing God has mentioned to me several times lately is not to depend on how I feel but on every word of God.
I feel as though I'm working more and more and I'm excited but also stressed. It's funny how quickly Cost Plus has become a routine for me. I feel like I've always worked there when I haven't. I'm looking to do more at the job and build there. I feel like the Lord has made it so I find favor there, and I'm very blessed for this.
Should I stay or should I go? That's been a heavy question on my heart lately. I am praying to see if I'm meant to stay in San Diego for a time, and how long that time may be. I really would like to get my own space just so I can have my own room again, and so Ruby (zee kitty) could roam freely. I miss my mom, who lives in Sacramento, but I don't know if I'll ever live near her or not. It's funny how a life just sneaks up on you.
I feel like I avoid mirrors these days. Not because I'm ugly and ratchet. But because I don't know who this chick is any more! Seriously, the year is almost over and I have no idea. I feel like the person who's meant to love everyone and give them joy--those are my gifts, love and joy--but who never feels loved in return. I've had a reoccurring dream lately. Every time I have it seems really risqué...and probably not something you blog about (lol) but it symbolizes my feelings about life. Tired. Barren. Needing love and release.
But there I go again with my feelings.
The only constant in life is change.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
"There's one thing I do know... and that is that I love you, Scarlett. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. Because we're alike. Bad lots, both of us. Selfish and shrewd. But able to look things in the eyes as we call them by their right names."
-Rhett Butler
-Rhett Butler
Monday, November 25, 2013
Gregory Peck
A friend told me recently,
This is a season of small things. Starting out small. I came to San Diego with a small amount of money, with a lot of stuff jammed into a small space (Sheila the Shaggin Wagon), with a *small* part-time job and a small church....
with rather large hopes and dreams and desires. It's a season of small things and I will be content in it. Lord, help me.
I was at church yesterday morning and something Pastor Pete said made a lot of sense. He brought up sympathy and compassion. Now, sympathy is a card. Maybe it's a Hallmark card, but it's still a card. Sympathy says, "I'm sorry". Compassion is different. Compassion says, "You hurt? Then I hurt too. Let me do something about that". When Jesus lived on the earth he lived with a compassion for all. He didn't have time for sympathy. Rather, he didn't make time for it.
I thought about myself this morning. When people enter my life and they hurt, do I hurt too? Is my head too far up my ass to notice what they're going through?
I thought about certain people who have come and gone and I wondered if they looked at me with compassion or sympathy. I realized, I don't want either. Is it that I don't want to be loved with the love of the Lord? Absolutely not. But now, that the year is almost over, and I've become numb from life, and my heart begins to thaw again (in winter of all times..), I realize the love I need. A strong love. A love that's intentional.
The easiest picture I can think of to describe the word "intentional" would be this. You're sitting in the living room and your family decides to order a pizza for dinner. The pizza comes and you're delighted. You get off the couch and grab yourself a piece and then return to the couch. After a few minutes you realize that hell--one slice of pizza was just not enough. So what do you do? You get off the couch again and with clear intentions return to the beloved box of pizza and grab another slice (or four, if you're me).
I was watching Roman Holiday yesterday after I got back from church. I hadn't seen it in years and I forgot how great it is. I was watching Gregory Peck and how, at the end of the movie he's separated from the woman he loves. She's a princess. He's a journalist. He has the power to ruin her with the pictures he took of them together the day before, but instead of getting off with that, he gives the pictures to the princess and refuses to hurt her with them.
The last scene of the movie is Gregory Peck standing in a room by himself, strutting with his hands in his pockets and a smile on his face. He looks over his shoulder, reminiscing about the woman he used to know, looks forward....
and moves on.
This is a season of small things. Starting out small. I came to San Diego with a small amount of money, with a lot of stuff jammed into a small space (Sheila the Shaggin Wagon), with a *small* part-time job and a small church....
with rather large hopes and dreams and desires. It's a season of small things and I will be content in it. Lord, help me.
I was at church yesterday morning and something Pastor Pete said made a lot of sense. He brought up sympathy and compassion. Now, sympathy is a card. Maybe it's a Hallmark card, but it's still a card. Sympathy says, "I'm sorry". Compassion is different. Compassion says, "You hurt? Then I hurt too. Let me do something about that". When Jesus lived on the earth he lived with a compassion for all. He didn't have time for sympathy. Rather, he didn't make time for it.
I thought about myself this morning. When people enter my life and they hurt, do I hurt too? Is my head too far up my ass to notice what they're going through?
I thought about certain people who have come and gone and I wondered if they looked at me with compassion or sympathy. I realized, I don't want either. Is it that I don't want to be loved with the love of the Lord? Absolutely not. But now, that the year is almost over, and I've become numb from life, and my heart begins to thaw again (in winter of all times..), I realize the love I need. A strong love. A love that's intentional.
The easiest picture I can think of to describe the word "intentional" would be this. You're sitting in the living room and your family decides to order a pizza for dinner. The pizza comes and you're delighted. You get off the couch and grab yourself a piece and then return to the couch. After a few minutes you realize that hell--one slice of pizza was just not enough. So what do you do? You get off the couch again and with clear intentions return to the beloved box of pizza and grab another slice (or four, if you're me).
I was watching Roman Holiday yesterday after I got back from church. I hadn't seen it in years and I forgot how great it is. I was watching Gregory Peck and how, at the end of the movie he's separated from the woman he loves. She's a princess. He's a journalist. He has the power to ruin her with the pictures he took of them together the day before, but instead of getting off with that, he gives the pictures to the princess and refuses to hurt her with them.
The last scene of the movie is Gregory Peck standing in a room by himself, strutting with his hands in his pockets and a smile on his face. He looks over his shoulder, reminiscing about the woman he used to know, looks forward....
and moves on.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
I Can't Wait for Cranberry Sauce...
Well, what's new?
I haven't been a good blogger this week but that's okay. My job has had me working a lot of day shifts (yay!) so that means getting up earlier and less motivation to work out, lol. I feel like every morning I wake up and I'm like okay! Elliptical, now! But it doesn't always work out because I really like sleep and I don't know what it is about this rain but it keeps me down for the count. It was raining last night, in fact, and I was sitting in my Grandpa's garage playing the piano as we listened to the rain together.
The Lord has revealed to me that I have purpose here in San Diego. I don't know what it is but there's something here to be seen, heard, and learned. This place isn't just a stopover. Nor is it a forever place. This, too, shall pass. Until that time I need to be busy. What's next on the agenda? I work part time for Cost Plus and I go to church on Sundays. I go out with my co-workers. I call my mom once a week. But really, what's next for me?
I need to dig into the Word. I need to hear from the Lord. My hope and my prayer is to find a good Bible study in the near future. I was looking at classes last night and we have a local Art Academy. I'm no artist but it might be good for me to step into the shoes of an artist and see what happens. I don't know. I've really been thinking I need to get my ass in gear and take a class--do something--that will get me on my feet. In the book of Daniel, Daniel was given a time of education for 3 years before his life in the kingdom really took off, working for the Lord and discerning dreams.
I went and saw my friend Jeanne in Escondido yesterday. I hadn't had my hair cut since August and she was willing to do it for me...for free!!! I was so blessed not only by her hair skills but also by her company. We were sitting at her dining table and I was staring out the window looking at the trees and the sunlight and I told her it was so beautiful out here, I couldn't believe it. She then told me a story about how years ago she told the Lord she wanted to live somewhere beautiful, specifically on a hillside. It didn't happen. But one day she was in her living room and she got a hankering to move her furniture around (you see where this is going...) and when she moved her couch across the room and she sat there, she gazed out the window and it hit her--
she was gazing at a hillside. Technically she was downhill from it, rather than uphill, but it was what she wanted. It was a change of perspective.
Blessings to all my friends....
XoXoXo
I haven't been a good blogger this week but that's okay. My job has had me working a lot of day shifts (yay!) so that means getting up earlier and less motivation to work out, lol. I feel like every morning I wake up and I'm like okay! Elliptical, now! But it doesn't always work out because I really like sleep and I don't know what it is about this rain but it keeps me down for the count. It was raining last night, in fact, and I was sitting in my Grandpa's garage playing the piano as we listened to the rain together.
The Lord has revealed to me that I have purpose here in San Diego. I don't know what it is but there's something here to be seen, heard, and learned. This place isn't just a stopover. Nor is it a forever place. This, too, shall pass. Until that time I need to be busy. What's next on the agenda? I work part time for Cost Plus and I go to church on Sundays. I go out with my co-workers. I call my mom once a week. But really, what's next for me?
I need to dig into the Word. I need to hear from the Lord. My hope and my prayer is to find a good Bible study in the near future. I was looking at classes last night and we have a local Art Academy. I'm no artist but it might be good for me to step into the shoes of an artist and see what happens. I don't know. I've really been thinking I need to get my ass in gear and take a class--do something--that will get me on my feet. In the book of Daniel, Daniel was given a time of education for 3 years before his life in the kingdom really took off, working for the Lord and discerning dreams.
I went and saw my friend Jeanne in Escondido yesterday. I hadn't had my hair cut since August and she was willing to do it for me...for free!!! I was so blessed not only by her hair skills but also by her company. We were sitting at her dining table and I was staring out the window looking at the trees and the sunlight and I told her it was so beautiful out here, I couldn't believe it. She then told me a story about how years ago she told the Lord she wanted to live somewhere beautiful, specifically on a hillside. It didn't happen. But one day she was in her living room and she got a hankering to move her furniture around (you see where this is going...) and when she moved her couch across the room and she sat there, she gazed out the window and it hit her--
she was gazing at a hillside. Technically she was downhill from it, rather than uphill, but it was what she wanted. It was a change of perspective.
Blessings to all my friends....
XoXoXo
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
A Holy Temple
I don't really have time to blog this morning but I'm going to shoot for it anyway.
I don't know what it is about this year, but it's been hard to take care of myself.
Taking care of myself would include both my spiritual/physical and/or emotional needs.
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body," I Corinthians 6:19-20
Especially these last few weeks, I haven't been very good about this.
Sometimes you don't want to exercise every day. Or go to sleep on time. Or eat something that isn't cake. Or drink something that isn't beer. Or go to church every week. Or...
You get the idea.
I think, and here's my point (I swear there is one!) that it's harder to take care of yourself, when you feel like God's promises to you are void. Or when you feel like there's no plan for your life. Seriously, because regardless of if you acknowledge it or not, you're subconsciously saying "What's the point to anything?" and you're living with that question.
Some believers think (without realizing they think it) they're unworthy of the Father's rest.
Psalm 127:2
"...for he gives to his beloved sleep."
It's interesting how some of us are getting our sleep, but not our rest. It's interesting how some of us are getting our rest, but not our sleep.
I began to dream again this morning. The first time, in awhile. I dreamed of people I used to know and of people I know now. I don't understand the dreams yet but maybe if the Lord is willing I'll get discernment for them.
Until then....
I'm off to dance to some Dean Martin.
Blessings to all my friends!
I don't know what it is about this year, but it's been hard to take care of myself.
Taking care of myself would include both my spiritual/physical and/or emotional needs.
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body," I Corinthians 6:19-20
Especially these last few weeks, I haven't been very good about this.
Sometimes you don't want to exercise every day. Or go to sleep on time. Or eat something that isn't cake. Or drink something that isn't beer. Or go to church every week. Or...
You get the idea.
I think, and here's my point (I swear there is one!) that it's harder to take care of yourself, when you feel like God's promises to you are void. Or when you feel like there's no plan for your life. Seriously, because regardless of if you acknowledge it or not, you're subconsciously saying "What's the point to anything?" and you're living with that question.
Some believers think (without realizing they think it) they're unworthy of the Father's rest.
Psalm 127:2
"...for he gives to his beloved sleep."
It's interesting how some of us are getting our sleep, but not our rest. It's interesting how some of us are getting our rest, but not our sleep.
I began to dream again this morning. The first time, in awhile. I dreamed of people I used to know and of people I know now. I don't understand the dreams yet but maybe if the Lord is willing I'll get discernment for them.
Until then....
I'm off to dance to some Dean Martin.
Blessings to all my friends!
Sunday, November 17, 2013
All is Grace
You can't set captives free when you're a prisoner yourself.
How can you heal somebody when you're the one who needs healing?
I can do nothing without the Lord.
Sometimes I forget things have to get worse before they get better. The icky stuff has to come out so the good stuff can take root. I wish I could think of a Bible verse that supports this theory. I don't know why but the easiest analogy that comes to mind is the one about snake venom. After a snake bite, the poison has to be sucked out right? Imagine someone sucking on your arm or leg. Totally vampire status but not in a fun Damon-Salvatore type way. It's just plain icky right? But it has to be done. Why? If the poison doesn't come out then you die. You're dead. Like, dead dead. Not just mostly dead.
I think it's hard for me to talk about myself, to the people who care about me, and even on my blog. Which is kind of silly because that's one of the reasons I started this thing--to call to remembrance my life and the different happenings in it so I can look back and say oh, yeah, that was God. That was God too. Hey, do you see the pattern here? God's everywhere. How about that....
A friend recommended I check out Healing House Ministries earlier this week. I knew the Lord wanted me to go for two reasons. Firstly, because the idea of going terrified me, utterly. Secondly, because there's a Healing House 5 minutes away from my job only available on Thursday nights and conveniently it was a Thursday when I found out about the ministry. So what is it? Basically you go in and get prayer and prophecy and you leave totally blessed. The people there don't know you. You don't know them. It's totally inspired by the Holy Spirit and well...being there made me feel so peaceful. Like I was sleeping after being awake for months and months and months. I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for prayer (I was 40 minutes early) and I could hear the prayer warriors worshipping Jesus in the room next to me. Telling the Lord how great He was and how they wanted to see Him move. It was really neat to just listen.
When it came time for me to get prayer I think I must've seemed like a real mystery to the women praying over me. I didn't fill out the prior paperwork, so they didn't know what I was there for. I told them about how I moved here back in August and I've been wandering sort of aimlessly. How I've had a question on my heart needing answering--yes or no. How I need to know where I'm going. Why the hell I'm here.
The women were very gentle with me. One of them told me the joy of the Lord is my strength. Another told me I had a sweet, sweet spirit only the Lord could give. I was told I'd blossom wherever I am. My confusion would cease, as my faith increased.
So I left relieved...and frustrated. Frustrated for no concretes. No definitives.
And the next day before work I roamed the mall I work at. I realized I didn't know where a damn thing was. Nothing at all. It was crowded and people kept passing me left and right as I went to Barnes and Noble and Panda Express and everywhere. I just felt overwhelmed. That's all I got. I went to work feeling my feelings stir up inside of me in all kinds of ways. And after work I got totally shit-faced.
I don't know how it happened. Okay, I do know how it happened, I won't lie to you guys. I ended up calling my cousin and she picked me up from the party I was at. She stayed with me when I was sick, and when I wouldn't stop being sick, she called my aunt and she picked me up. It was really early in the morning. I remember some things. Some things I don't.
I've been calling myself a loser ever since. But the Lord has been stern with me, believe it or not. Now is not the time to call myself a loser. I feel like a dork, sharing this stuff on my blog.
But I'm here to tell you all is grace. I am not a loser. Remember the poison needs to come out for the healing to begin. It can't just stay in there. Kind of like me and barfing my body weight in alcohol...but you guys don't need that mental image do you? Oh. Too late.
All is grace. All is grace. All is grace.
Jude 1:21
"...keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life."
How can you heal somebody when you're the one who needs healing?
I can do nothing without the Lord.
Sometimes I forget things have to get worse before they get better. The icky stuff has to come out so the good stuff can take root. I wish I could think of a Bible verse that supports this theory. I don't know why but the easiest analogy that comes to mind is the one about snake venom. After a snake bite, the poison has to be sucked out right? Imagine someone sucking on your arm or leg. Totally vampire status but not in a fun Damon-Salvatore type way. It's just plain icky right? But it has to be done. Why? If the poison doesn't come out then you die. You're dead. Like, dead dead. Not just mostly dead.
I think it's hard for me to talk about myself, to the people who care about me, and even on my blog. Which is kind of silly because that's one of the reasons I started this thing--to call to remembrance my life and the different happenings in it so I can look back and say oh, yeah, that was God. That was God too. Hey, do you see the pattern here? God's everywhere. How about that....
A friend recommended I check out Healing House Ministries earlier this week. I knew the Lord wanted me to go for two reasons. Firstly, because the idea of going terrified me, utterly. Secondly, because there's a Healing House 5 minutes away from my job only available on Thursday nights and conveniently it was a Thursday when I found out about the ministry. So what is it? Basically you go in and get prayer and prophecy and you leave totally blessed. The people there don't know you. You don't know them. It's totally inspired by the Holy Spirit and well...being there made me feel so peaceful. Like I was sleeping after being awake for months and months and months. I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for prayer (I was 40 minutes early) and I could hear the prayer warriors worshipping Jesus in the room next to me. Telling the Lord how great He was and how they wanted to see Him move. It was really neat to just listen.
When it came time for me to get prayer I think I must've seemed like a real mystery to the women praying over me. I didn't fill out the prior paperwork, so they didn't know what I was there for. I told them about how I moved here back in August and I've been wandering sort of aimlessly. How I've had a question on my heart needing answering--yes or no. How I need to know where I'm going. Why the hell I'm here.
The women were very gentle with me. One of them told me the joy of the Lord is my strength. Another told me I had a sweet, sweet spirit only the Lord could give. I was told I'd blossom wherever I am. My confusion would cease, as my faith increased.
So I left relieved...and frustrated. Frustrated for no concretes. No definitives.
And the next day before work I roamed the mall I work at. I realized I didn't know where a damn thing was. Nothing at all. It was crowded and people kept passing me left and right as I went to Barnes and Noble and Panda Express and everywhere. I just felt overwhelmed. That's all I got. I went to work feeling my feelings stir up inside of me in all kinds of ways. And after work I got totally shit-faced.
I don't know how it happened. Okay, I do know how it happened, I won't lie to you guys. I ended up calling my cousin and she picked me up from the party I was at. She stayed with me when I was sick, and when I wouldn't stop being sick, she called my aunt and she picked me up. It was really early in the morning. I remember some things. Some things I don't.
I've been calling myself a loser ever since. But the Lord has been stern with me, believe it or not. Now is not the time to call myself a loser. I feel like a dork, sharing this stuff on my blog.
But I'm here to tell you all is grace. I am not a loser. Remember the poison needs to come out for the healing to begin. It can't just stay in there. Kind of like me and barfing my body weight in alcohol...but you guys don't need that mental image do you? Oh. Too late.
All is grace. All is grace. All is grace.
Jude 1:21
"...keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life."
The Hooters
She was a be-bop baby on a hard day's night
She was hangin' on Johnny, he was holdin' on tight
I could feel her coming from a mile away
There was no use talking, there was nothing to say
When the band began to play and play
She was hangin' on Johnny, he was holdin' on tight
I could feel her coming from a mile away
There was no use talking, there was nothing to say
When the band began to play and play
And we danced like a wave on the ocean, romanced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced, danced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced, danced
I met my be-bop baby at the Union Hall
She could dance all night and shake the paint off the walls
But when I saw her smile across a crowded room, yeah
Well I knew we'd have to leave the party soon
As the band began to play out of tune
She could dance all night and shake the paint off the walls
But when I saw her smile across a crowded room, yeah
Well I knew we'd have to leave the party soon
As the band began to play out of tune
And we danced like a wave on the ocean, romanced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced, danced, yeah and we danced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced, danced, yeah and we danced
The endless beat, she's walkin' my way
Hear the music fade when she says
Are we getting too close, do we care to get closer
The room is spinning as she whispers my name
Hear the music fade when she says
Are we getting too close, do we care to get closer
The room is spinning as she whispers my name
And we danced like a wave on the ocean, romanced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced
And we danced like a wave on the ocean, romanced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced, danced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced, danced
And we danced and we danced
And we danced, oh baby
And we danced, danced, danced
Oh and we danced
And we danced, oh baby
And we danced, danced, danced
Oh and we danced
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Trust
Sometimes....
I need to die to my desires. I need to say Lord, you are good. I can accept my life without him/it/her.
I have a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11) without so and so.
I have to die to what I want because if I don't....
I'll never love God for being himself. And who is that?
God. Just God.
Jeremiah 33:3 says, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."
You don't want to live because you see what you want and you want to live for that. But you must live. You must abide, and flourish, and grow. Be nurtured and be fed. Cry the silent tears or cry the messy ones. But choose to have a song of praise in your heart.
This is my story, this is my song,
praising my Savior all the day long.
This is my story, this is my song,
praising my Savior all the day long.
I need to die to my desires. I need to say Lord, you are good. I can accept my life without him/it/her.
I have a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11) without so and so.
I have to die to what I want because if I don't....
I'll never love God for being himself. And who is that?
God. Just God.
Jeremiah 33:3 says, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."
You don't want to live because you see what you want and you want to live for that. But you must live. You must abide, and flourish, and grow. Be nurtured and be fed. Cry the silent tears or cry the messy ones. But choose to have a song of praise in your heart.
This is my story, this is my song,
praising my Savior all the day long.
This is my story, this is my song,
praising my Savior all the day long.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Psalm 39:4
My Grandpa is a veteran. This morning he picked up me and my cousin, Theresa, and we went to the zoo.
This is us getting ready for the train ride. I love this picture!
Mommy giraffes carry their babies for 14-15 months before delivery (damn! right?). When the baby giraffe is born (like this one) it's at least 6 ft. tall. Wow, it's never easy being a mom, is it?
This little dude is a relative to the javelina. Isn't he cute?
Vultures being...uh, vultures.
OK, I hate this picture because it's NOT a good angle for me, however, I would like to point out I rode that ostrich like a champ.
What else? Let's see...
I'm thinking of taking the train to see my mom in January. She gave me this really good scripture earlier that I want to share with you guys.
Jeremiah 32:39
I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them.
I know what this means to me. So I seek the Lord, and pray some more. I can't wait to have children!
Did you know that when meerkats get together they're called a mob? Lol :)
Unashamedly, I've had Beez in the Trap stuck in my head going on two days now.
I hate that gummy sound your eye makes when you rub it.
Well, I smell like In N' Out burgers. It's hard to believe that after a good day it's time to get ready for work, but so I shall.
"Show me, LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is."
This is us getting ready for the train ride. I love this picture!
Mommy giraffes carry their babies for 14-15 months before delivery (damn! right?). When the baby giraffe is born (like this one) it's at least 6 ft. tall. Wow, it's never easy being a mom, is it?
This little dude is a relative to the javelina. Isn't he cute?
Vultures being...uh, vultures.
OK, I hate this picture because it's NOT a good angle for me, however, I would like to point out I rode that ostrich like a champ.
What else? Let's see...
I'm thinking of taking the train to see my mom in January. She gave me this really good scripture earlier that I want to share with you guys.
Jeremiah 32:39
I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them.
I know what this means to me. So I seek the Lord, and pray some more. I can't wait to have children!
Did you know that when meerkats get together they're called a mob? Lol :)
Unashamedly, I've had Beez in the Trap stuck in my head going on two days now.
I hate that gummy sound your eye makes when you rub it.
Well, I smell like In N' Out burgers. It's hard to believe that after a good day it's time to get ready for work, but so I shall.
"Show me, LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is."
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Soldiership Years
These are the soldiership years.
I read that in a devotional earlier this year and I don't think any truer statement has ever been said.
Twice now I've been given the same Word, at different times, in different places. I believe it is a prophetic Word that comes from the Lord. Three years. Whatever it is, it is the Lord who's done it, and it will be brought to completion in a total of three years. I believe I'm in the 2nd year right now.
What does it mean?
I have some crazy ideas. Not just crazy, but batshit crazy. I know in my heart what I think it means. I'm scared. I'm tired. I miss my mom. I don't miss Arizona one bit but there are moments I miss. I miss driving early in the morning and being practically the only one on the freeway. I miss the mist of the evening that settled in the dark. I miss the quiet.
What do I need?
I need intellectual stimulation. I'm working and going to church and abiding but I need and have a hunger for the intellectual. Now where do I get it?
Psalm 22; Daniel 1; Leviticus 19
I read that in a devotional earlier this year and I don't think any truer statement has ever been said.
Twice now I've been given the same Word, at different times, in different places. I believe it is a prophetic Word that comes from the Lord. Three years. Whatever it is, it is the Lord who's done it, and it will be brought to completion in a total of three years. I believe I'm in the 2nd year right now.
What does it mean?
I have some crazy ideas. Not just crazy, but batshit crazy. I know in my heart what I think it means. I'm scared. I'm tired. I miss my mom. I don't miss Arizona one bit but there are moments I miss. I miss driving early in the morning and being practically the only one on the freeway. I miss the mist of the evening that settled in the dark. I miss the quiet.
What do I need?
I need intellectual stimulation. I'm working and going to church and abiding but I need and have a hunger for the intellectual. Now where do I get it?
Psalm 22; Daniel 1; Leviticus 19
Thursday, November 7, 2013
So I'm laying here watching episode after episode of Criminal Minds and I'm so glad to be home!
I know my Aunt's house is just a stopover for me on this journey called life but I'm thankful. I'm thankful to have a couch to lay on while my brain turns into mashed potatoes and my eyes begin to feel heavy and it gets colder outside and my breathing slows.
It seems like life is just a bunch of little deaths. I know I'm not the only one who thinks so. I've been lost in the wilderness of confusion lately. I've been sad.
But into a season I go where the labor is needed, praising the Lord is required, and its time to stop thinking. I'm in boot camp. I'm in Hell. But no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it brings me discomfort, the Lord will set me free. I cannot set myself free. I make the attempts but it is out of my control.
My dreams are at a pause and for now, I sleep. And when I sleep, I sleep some more.
I had two days off this week. Work is getting busier and I'm getting more stressed out when I'm there. I have to remind myself to praise the Lord when I feel frustrated or like a jackass. Retail is retail. I have a paycheck, thank you Lord. I love my co-workers. They are sweeties :)
Tomorrow is going to be a good day!
I know my Aunt's house is just a stopover for me on this journey called life but I'm thankful. I'm thankful to have a couch to lay on while my brain turns into mashed potatoes and my eyes begin to feel heavy and it gets colder outside and my breathing slows.
It seems like life is just a bunch of little deaths. I know I'm not the only one who thinks so. I've been lost in the wilderness of confusion lately. I've been sad.
But into a season I go where the labor is needed, praising the Lord is required, and its time to stop thinking. I'm in boot camp. I'm in Hell. But no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it brings me discomfort, the Lord will set me free. I cannot set myself free. I make the attempts but it is out of my control.
My dreams are at a pause and for now, I sleep. And when I sleep, I sleep some more.
I had two days off this week. Work is getting busier and I'm getting more stressed out when I'm there. I have to remind myself to praise the Lord when I feel frustrated or like a jackass. Retail is retail. I have a paycheck, thank you Lord. I love my co-workers. They are sweeties :)
Tomorrow is going to be a good day!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Bending the Truth, Miracles
Two things on my mind these past couple days...
My supervisor was asking me the other day if I could come into work the next morning at an earlier time than when I was scheduled. I told him I couldn't because I was going to church with my grandparents in the morning. I told him they *really* wanted me to go with them.
I didn't tell him I was the one who asked if I could go to church with them. I didn't tell him I asked them to pick me up in the morning. I don't know. I wanted to make it sound like they were making me go. Because they were old and grandparent-y.
I mean is it such a big deal if people know who we really are?
Just for once I want to be play a tambourine in a band. I want to sing about handsome furniture and I want to dance and I want to sew as good as I claim I do. I can count with one hand how many people have seen that me. I don't know. I want to be the person that the Lord sees when he looks at me every day. I want my victories.
I can't deny who He is.
I've been thinking how as Christians we all have this idea of miracles and what classifies as a miracle and like we know God can perform them but do we actually expect his miracles in our lives? I think of my job and where I live and who I'm in love with and all those things and I ask myself what do I expect my Heavenly Father to do? Why do I doubt him? Why do I expect him to do nothing? If my God can part the Red Sea why can't he do *that* stuff for me? Why am I afraid to have His best?
Can I trust? Can you?
I know for sure he will complete what he has begun.
In other news, work is getting busier and my hours are picking up. My co-workers are the best thing ever! I feel so loved and liked. Two of my coworkers encouraged me to pierce my eyebrow and switch out my nose ring for a hoop but I'm so scared and broke and scared. It's a fear sandwich, lol.
Insomnia has been kicking me in the tush for the last few days. I'm not sure what my deal is. I just lay there at 4 in the a.m. writing blogs in my head and asking the Lord to help me fall asleep especially since I'm working almost every day and I'm getting over being sick.
I went out for drinks the other night with some girls from work and it was so loud at this Irish pub and I laughed so much and I was buzzing like no tomorrow and I just felt this part of me stop inside.
I'm waiting. For something. Whatever it is--this, this right now, isn't it. There's this dull throb inside of me that waits and waits some more for the next leg of the journey. My savior is there. Not that he's not here too, because He is. But I think it's okay to tell him when were going through the motions and we feel empty and unworthy of the love of our life.
For I know that you empty me, to fill me, to empty me again. I trust You.
My supervisor was asking me the other day if I could come into work the next morning at an earlier time than when I was scheduled. I told him I couldn't because I was going to church with my grandparents in the morning. I told him they *really* wanted me to go with them.
I didn't tell him I was the one who asked if I could go to church with them. I didn't tell him I asked them to pick me up in the morning. I don't know. I wanted to make it sound like they were making me go. Because they were old and grandparent-y.
I mean is it such a big deal if people know who we really are?
Just for once I want to be play a tambourine in a band. I want to sing about handsome furniture and I want to dance and I want to sew as good as I claim I do. I can count with one hand how many people have seen that me. I don't know. I want to be the person that the Lord sees when he looks at me every day. I want my victories.
I can't deny who He is.
I've been thinking how as Christians we all have this idea of miracles and what classifies as a miracle and like we know God can perform them but do we actually expect his miracles in our lives? I think of my job and where I live and who I'm in love with and all those things and I ask myself what do I expect my Heavenly Father to do? Why do I doubt him? Why do I expect him to do nothing? If my God can part the Red Sea why can't he do *that* stuff for me? Why am I afraid to have His best?
Can I trust? Can you?
I know for sure he will complete what he has begun.
In other news, work is getting busier and my hours are picking up. My co-workers are the best thing ever! I feel so loved and liked. Two of my coworkers encouraged me to pierce my eyebrow and switch out my nose ring for a hoop but I'm so scared and broke and scared. It's a fear sandwich, lol.
Insomnia has been kicking me in the tush for the last few days. I'm not sure what my deal is. I just lay there at 4 in the a.m. writing blogs in my head and asking the Lord to help me fall asleep especially since I'm working almost every day and I'm getting over being sick.
I went out for drinks the other night with some girls from work and it was so loud at this Irish pub and I laughed so much and I was buzzing like no tomorrow and I just felt this part of me stop inside.
I'm waiting. For something. Whatever it is--this, this right now, isn't it. There's this dull throb inside of me that waits and waits some more for the next leg of the journey. My savior is there. Not that he's not here too, because He is. But I think it's okay to tell him when were going through the motions and we feel empty and unworthy of the love of our life.
For I know that you empty me, to fill me, to empty me again. I trust You.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Life
Lately, life's got me feelin' just plain tired.
I'm not recovered from being sick yet but I'm hoping I'm past the worst of it now. Yesterday was the worst day of it so far, with having to take my runny nose and fever infected self to work and have a million people pulling on me just to come home and attempt to take good care of myself. I guess the first step to being an adult is um....not being one.
I'm having a hard time discovering my place at work. By place I mean identity. I'm not sure who I am at my job....and I'm not sure who I am in San Diego. A lot has happened this year. I left Arizona when my parents divorced and I ended up out here and now....now that the bad dreams are less and less and I'm *settled* I just don't know. I think of the people I hold dearest in my heart and wonder if now or even a couple years from now they'd even know me. I feel so far from them.
For awhile now it's like I've been on the lonely trail with Jesus, camping out every night with a fire before us and the stars above us. There's been this transition from camp fires to steady walking....walking, walking, and more walking in the wilderness. I'm not sure what were doing out here Lord. I'm not sure what you want from me. I'm not sure who I am. I feel disappointed. I feel hurt. Why do you allow the things you do? Why is it the moment we come to revelation of your promises is the exact same moment we relapse into these wretched creatures? It's like I'll do everything in my power to make sure that good thing doesn't come to pass.
I don't know. I like my job. I like my co-workers. We joke around about smoking and drinking and whatever and I try to remind myself to just be me and don't try to impress but more and more I forget who I am and I just feel tired. Sometimes I'll just be talking to someone I know and it's like I leave my body and I'm watching it happen. I'm watching myself laugh and talk. Talk about moving here and not knowing where anything is. I leave my body and I watch myself and other people and time just...
Passes.
I'm not recovered from being sick yet but I'm hoping I'm past the worst of it now. Yesterday was the worst day of it so far, with having to take my runny nose and fever infected self to work and have a million people pulling on me just to come home and attempt to take good care of myself. I guess the first step to being an adult is um....not being one.
I'm having a hard time discovering my place at work. By place I mean identity. I'm not sure who I am at my job....and I'm not sure who I am in San Diego. A lot has happened this year. I left Arizona when my parents divorced and I ended up out here and now....now that the bad dreams are less and less and I'm *settled* I just don't know. I think of the people I hold dearest in my heart and wonder if now or even a couple years from now they'd even know me. I feel so far from them.
For awhile now it's like I've been on the lonely trail with Jesus, camping out every night with a fire before us and the stars above us. There's been this transition from camp fires to steady walking....walking, walking, and more walking in the wilderness. I'm not sure what were doing out here Lord. I'm not sure what you want from me. I'm not sure who I am. I feel disappointed. I feel hurt. Why do you allow the things you do? Why is it the moment we come to revelation of your promises is the exact same moment we relapse into these wretched creatures? It's like I'll do everything in my power to make sure that good thing doesn't come to pass.
I don't know. I like my job. I like my co-workers. We joke around about smoking and drinking and whatever and I try to remind myself to just be me and don't try to impress but more and more I forget who I am and I just feel tired. Sometimes I'll just be talking to someone I know and it's like I leave my body and I'm watching it happen. I'm watching myself laugh and talk. Talk about moving here and not knowing where anything is. I leave my body and I watch myself and other people and time just...
Passes.
Friday, October 25, 2013
She's a Hurricane in All Kinds of Weather
Yes, it's going around again. As it turns out my supervisor has the flu and I've got sick people coming through my line all the time. My little cousin is sick here at home as well, and I don't know why I still call him little, since he's in high school. But any who, here I am congested as ever and trying not to talk to anyone since I sound like a creepy old man whenever I speak.
Last night was rough. Technically I'm still considered "in training" but man, I make a lot of mistakes. Whoever says they love to learn is lying. I just really hate feeling stupid all the time. I was thinking of that quote from Anne of Green Gables, where Anne says "I never make the same mistake twice" and I thought of how much that is so not me. I love to beat a dead horse. And beat it more and some more until it's basically a zombie horse. Whatever the case may be, I can honestly say yes, I do make the same mistake twice, and not just twice, but roughly 1,023984,000 times. But thinking of this makes me think of my own testimony, and then similarly, the testimony of Brennan Manning.
Now Brennan Manning passed away earlier this April, but in a nutshell he was this really cool dude on fire for Jesus who lived by the saying "All is grace". No matter what sins he committed he had this radical trust in God that he was loved and that that love never quit. Brennan Manning is in some ways a controversial subject for Christians because even with his role as a preacher he struggled with
alcoholism his entire life and his marriage totally failed. Some people look at these things and say, "Man! what a shame. If only he wasn't an alcoholic and an asshole, he'd have touched sooooo many lives with the love of Jesus."
But I feel differently about it. At the end of his life all Brennan could say was, "All is grace". Does that mean his sins weren't sins and so he was excused from them? No way. But he knew, man. He totally knew how much his Heavenly Father loved him. He grasped it all the while knowing he couldn't comprehend it. If anything, Brennan's testimony was this: God loves you because of your sin. Not in spite of it. He's crazy about you because you're a dork, and you make mistakes. He loves you because you're real and you're His.
I don't know. My sick brain just felt like sharing today. The Lord told me earlier this year that if I never ever changed, he'd still be my God. That if this was it and I never learned another thing about Abba's love and I just stopped growing right here and right now, he'd still love me and bless me and be my Jesus forever. For this, I am thankful.
Because of this, I want to change.
Last night was rough. Technically I'm still considered "in training" but man, I make a lot of mistakes. Whoever says they love to learn is lying. I just really hate feeling stupid all the time. I was thinking of that quote from Anne of Green Gables, where Anne says "I never make the same mistake twice" and I thought of how much that is so not me. I love to beat a dead horse. And beat it more and some more until it's basically a zombie horse. Whatever the case may be, I can honestly say yes, I do make the same mistake twice, and not just twice, but roughly 1,023984,000 times. But thinking of this makes me think of my own testimony, and then similarly, the testimony of Brennan Manning.
Now Brennan Manning passed away earlier this April, but in a nutshell he was this really cool dude on fire for Jesus who lived by the saying "All is grace". No matter what sins he committed he had this radical trust in God that he was loved and that that love never quit. Brennan Manning is in some ways a controversial subject for Christians because even with his role as a preacher he struggled with
alcoholism his entire life and his marriage totally failed. Some people look at these things and say, "Man! what a shame. If only he wasn't an alcoholic and an asshole, he'd have touched sooooo many lives with the love of Jesus."
But I feel differently about it. At the end of his life all Brennan could say was, "All is grace". Does that mean his sins weren't sins and so he was excused from them? No way. But he knew, man. He totally knew how much his Heavenly Father loved him. He grasped it all the while knowing he couldn't comprehend it. If anything, Brennan's testimony was this: God loves you because of your sin. Not in spite of it. He's crazy about you because you're a dork, and you make mistakes. He loves you because you're real and you're His.
I don't know. My sick brain just felt like sharing today. The Lord told me earlier this year that if I never ever changed, he'd still be my God. That if this was it and I never learned another thing about Abba's love and I just stopped growing right here and right now, he'd still love me and bless me and be my Jesus forever. For this, I am thankful.
Because of this, I want to change.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Thorns
Alas! A day off!
Today is my catch up day from work. It's the day I do laundry and vacuum and make iced coffee and spend time with my cat and work on my blog and read my Bible and get on the elliptical and...
You get the idea.
Two revelations are heavy on my heart today.
Lately, as in this past year, the Lord has been teaching me that he wants to fill me. Fill me so he can empty me so he can fill me so he can empty me all over again. And then fill me some more. It's hard because it feels like a rollercoaster, with the ups and downs. But back in the day the Lord looked at what he'd made and said it was very good. There's joy in that. Sometimes it's good to want. To dance. To have sex. To smoke. To sleep in on Sunday. It's good to be in a place of want and need and need and want with your Savior.
The other thing I've been pondering is prayer. I think sometimes as believers we pray for other people, that their hearts would change concerning this thing or that thing. Lord, make that guy less of an asshole. Lord, give him a revelation. But what happens here, at least for me, is that while I'm praying for another person to change, I'm the one who's being changed instead.
In the book of Galatians it talks about bearing one another's burdens. It says in 6:1-2, "Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."
Lord, help me to respond to this calling with a willing heart.
I've been having these dreams lately of former things. They disturb my mind but have this odd way of kick-starting my day. Everyone has a thorn in their side.
Today is my catch up day from work. It's the day I do laundry and vacuum and make iced coffee and spend time with my cat and work on my blog and read my Bible and get on the elliptical and...
You get the idea.
Two revelations are heavy on my heart today.
Lately, as in this past year, the Lord has been teaching me that he wants to fill me. Fill me so he can empty me so he can fill me so he can empty me all over again. And then fill me some more. It's hard because it feels like a rollercoaster, with the ups and downs. But back in the day the Lord looked at what he'd made and said it was very good. There's joy in that. Sometimes it's good to want. To dance. To have sex. To smoke. To sleep in on Sunday. It's good to be in a place of want and need and need and want with your Savior.
The other thing I've been pondering is prayer. I think sometimes as believers we pray for other people, that their hearts would change concerning this thing or that thing. Lord, make that guy less of an asshole. Lord, give him a revelation. But what happens here, at least for me, is that while I'm praying for another person to change, I'm the one who's being changed instead.
In the book of Galatians it talks about bearing one another's burdens. It says in 6:1-2, "Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."
Lord, help me to respond to this calling with a willing heart.
I've been having these dreams lately of former things. They disturb my mind but have this odd way of kick-starting my day. Everyone has a thorn in their side.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
For the Longest Time
It's a lovely Saturday afternoon.
I've almost survived my first week of work, almost almost almost!
So far I like it. I'm mostly just checking people out (no pun intended) and talking to customers and learning where everything is. I feel like as soon as I learn one thing I'm tackling something else. I just hope I can learn everything anyone has ever had to learn ever in the history of Cost Plus before the holidays are under way. One of my co-workers was showing me how to do something and I kind of took the something from him and said I wanted to do it by myself, lol. Maybe I need to not be so dominating.
There just so happens to be a Walmart next door where I work that offers eye exams and coincidentally everything is so blurry lately. Bah! I've had perfect vision forever. Forever being 21 + years. But I don't know, all of a sudden everything just seems so far away. I don't want to wear glasses but who knows, they might be my ticket to a real date, lol.
It's definitely humbling, being here at my aunt's. I'm realizing I'm not the greatest person to live with. I'm realizing that being an adult means you still ask for help like you did as a teenager. Even when you avoid it and say no no no, I'm going to be an independent woman about this, God always has another plan. He constantly has me on my knees about this or that. I think that family is a ministry unto itself that I forgot about. I'm so used to loving strangers that I've forgotten how to love those closest to me. I don't know--my pride hurts. And, to quote Mr. Spock,
"I am conflicted as I once was as a child."
And for good measure,
"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one."
One of these days I will meet a man (besides my father) who can quote Spock like I can.
XoXoXo
I've almost survived my first week of work, almost almost almost!
So far I like it. I'm mostly just checking people out (no pun intended) and talking to customers and learning where everything is. I feel like as soon as I learn one thing I'm tackling something else. I just hope I can learn everything anyone has ever had to learn ever in the history of Cost Plus before the holidays are under way. One of my co-workers was showing me how to do something and I kind of took the something from him and said I wanted to do it by myself, lol. Maybe I need to not be so dominating.
There just so happens to be a Walmart next door where I work that offers eye exams and coincidentally everything is so blurry lately. Bah! I've had perfect vision forever. Forever being 21 + years. But I don't know, all of a sudden everything just seems so far away. I don't want to wear glasses but who knows, they might be my ticket to a real date, lol.
It's definitely humbling, being here at my aunt's. I'm realizing I'm not the greatest person to live with. I'm realizing that being an adult means you still ask for help like you did as a teenager. Even when you avoid it and say no no no, I'm going to be an independent woman about this, God always has another plan. He constantly has me on my knees about this or that. I think that family is a ministry unto itself that I forgot about. I'm so used to loving strangers that I've forgotten how to love those closest to me. I don't know--my pride hurts. And, to quote Mr. Spock,
"I am conflicted as I once was as a child."
And for good measure,
"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one."
One of these days I will meet a man (besides my father) who can quote Spock like I can.
XoXoXo
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Dreams
Such strange dreams as of late. They're becoming more vivid, more mixed up, always speaking of a birth.
Something is coming. Something is getting ready to be born. I can feel it. I think others in the spiritual community can feel it too.
And it's got me thinking, like, in the midst of the crazies, it's real easy to lose your joy. But I think it's okay--more than okay--to go ahead and reclaim that joy.
Some people struggle with fear. Some people don't. I'm someone who's struggled with it my entire life. I literally have the same dream at least once a week of me boarding a plane. The plane gets ready for take off. It is taking off. And it just keeps taking off. It never settles in the air, nice and smooth and en route. It just keeps taking off...
Stuck.
The Lord knows what were like. He knows what I'm like. I can't do anything that will make him go, "Wow. Girl, I did not see that one coming." I mean, seriously? I guess my point is this:
It's really okay to hope for things unseen. It's okay to be afraid, if you're willing to be obedient. The Lord gives me courage to go on and on and on....one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time...
The Lord knows what were like. He knows you're afraid of being stuck.
"Write the vision; make it plain upon tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."--Habakkuk 2:2-3
"Woe to him who says to a father, 'What are you begetting?' or to a woman, 'With what are you in labor?'"
Thus says the Lord, the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed him:
"Ask me things to come; will you command me concerning my children and the work of my hands?"-Isaiah 45:10-11
Something is coming. Something is getting ready to be born. I can feel it. I think others in the spiritual community can feel it too.
And it's got me thinking, like, in the midst of the crazies, it's real easy to lose your joy. But I think it's okay--more than okay--to go ahead and reclaim that joy.
Some people struggle with fear. Some people don't. I'm someone who's struggled with it my entire life. I literally have the same dream at least once a week of me boarding a plane. The plane gets ready for take off. It is taking off. And it just keeps taking off. It never settles in the air, nice and smooth and en route. It just keeps taking off...
Stuck.
The Lord knows what were like. He knows what I'm like. I can't do anything that will make him go, "Wow. Girl, I did not see that one coming." I mean, seriously? I guess my point is this:
It's really okay to hope for things unseen. It's okay to be afraid, if you're willing to be obedient. The Lord gives me courage to go on and on and on....one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time...
The Lord knows what were like. He knows you're afraid of being stuck.
"Write the vision; make it plain upon tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."--Habakkuk 2:2-3
"Woe to him who says to a father, 'What are you begetting?' or to a woman, 'With what are you in labor?'"
Thus says the Lord, the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed him:
"Ask me things to come; will you command me concerning my children and the work of my hands?"-Isaiah 45:10-11
Monday, October 14, 2013
Getting the Ball Rolling...
Gosh I'm beat!
Today was my first day working at World Market. All in all, it was a good day. I had plenty of chances to make an ass out of myself and well, you know me, I can't resist chances like that.
I get twenty percent off everything (kimchi noodles...MmMmMm!!)
I don't have to take my nose ring out. I can wear clothes I like. One of my supervisors is covered in tattoos and he's super bubbly. Everyone said hi to me today, and I admit I felt out of place yet home at the same time.
"How old are you?"
"Do you go to school nearby?"
"Are you just passing through, here?"
These were questions I answered all afternoon and yet I felt like a fish. A bloated, swollen, fish. I don't know. When I got off work I felt this need for a cigarette and I don't smoke. I felt sad. Not just tired and in desperate need of a foot massage. But sad.
I got home earlier and started watching Criminal Minds. In the background noise I heard this quote:
"I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love"
which, in case you're wondering, is by Mother Teresa. I'd heard the quote before. Seen it before. It's actually been my cover photo on Facebook, lol.
So the Lord knows. After these hurts there can only be more love. That love will beget some love, and that love will beget some too, and the begetting will continue and the love will continue and as we go on we'll just see glimpses of love.
The best love ever.
"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known."--I Corinthians 13:12
Today was my first day working at World Market. All in all, it was a good day. I had plenty of chances to make an ass out of myself and well, you know me, I can't resist chances like that.
I get twenty percent off everything (kimchi noodles...MmMmMm!!)
I don't have to take my nose ring out. I can wear clothes I like. One of my supervisors is covered in tattoos and he's super bubbly. Everyone said hi to me today, and I admit I felt out of place yet home at the same time.
"How old are you?"
"Do you go to school nearby?"
"Are you just passing through, here?"
These were questions I answered all afternoon and yet I felt like a fish. A bloated, swollen, fish. I don't know. When I got off work I felt this need for a cigarette and I don't smoke. I felt sad. Not just tired and in desperate need of a foot massage. But sad.
I got home earlier and started watching Criminal Minds. In the background noise I heard this quote:
"I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love"
which, in case you're wondering, is by Mother Teresa. I'd heard the quote before. Seen it before. It's actually been my cover photo on Facebook, lol.
So the Lord knows. After these hurts there can only be more love. That love will beget some love, and that love will beget some too, and the begetting will continue and the love will continue and as we go on we'll just see glimpses of love.
The best love ever.
"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known."--I Corinthians 13:12
Thursday, October 10, 2013
I Was Thinking...
Earlier today about how we see ourselves as children of God.
I was thinking how I've seen myself in the past and how I see myself now.
It occurred to me that the thing we think we'll never be is the thing that the Lord wants to make us.
The thing we say we're not is the thing he says we are.
Over the summer I met up with a couple girlfriends for dinner. It was a few days before coming to San Diego. I confided in them that when I compared myself to other women I only saw how fearless they were--full of confidence, total trailblazers. It made me feel awful I couldn't be like them.
One of my girls piped up, saying she'd always seen me possessing these qualities. She'd never NOT seen me as fearless and bold and wonderful.
And so today I got to thinking, the moment I say I'm not a thrill-seeker, Jesus is right besides me saying....
Yes you are.
And the moment I say I'm not a risk-taker, the Lord reminds me in a dream,
Yes, I am.
Can you imagine? Someone who loves you so much?
Things aren't always as they seem. Some of the people I know, my only wish for them, is that when they look at themselves they'd see the men and women I see when I look at them. Life really would be different then.
I was thinking how I've seen myself in the past and how I see myself now.
It occurred to me that the thing we think we'll never be is the thing that the Lord wants to make us.
The thing we say we're not is the thing he says we are.
Over the summer I met up with a couple girlfriends for dinner. It was a few days before coming to San Diego. I confided in them that when I compared myself to other women I only saw how fearless they were--full of confidence, total trailblazers. It made me feel awful I couldn't be like them.
One of my girls piped up, saying she'd always seen me possessing these qualities. She'd never NOT seen me as fearless and bold and wonderful.
And so today I got to thinking, the moment I say I'm not a thrill-seeker, Jesus is right besides me saying....
Yes you are.
And the moment I say I'm not a risk-taker, the Lord reminds me in a dream,
Yes, I am.
Can you imagine? Someone who loves you so much?
Things aren't always as they seem. Some of the people I know, my only wish for them, is that when they look at themselves they'd see the men and women I see when I look at them. Life really would be different then.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Where It Takes Place
I was on my way to an interview the other day when, as luck would have it, my car wouldn't start. I ended up calling my Grandpa who lives down the street from me and asking him to be my ride. He was a good sport about it--more than that. He was my knight in shining armor that day. I should have told him. He was joking in the car how his AC didn't work so I had to deal with natural air. I asked him if he liked my new bangs and he said he did. I don't know--it was a good day.
Sometimes life is just so damn ordinary. It's getting a pedicure, courtesy of your aunt. It's tweezing your cousin's eyebrows. It's taking your Grandma's clothes and tearing them to pieces and designing a new outfit from the mess. It's going for walks every day. And getting a farmer's tan. It's watching your hair grow a little longer each day It's not always going to the beach like everyone suggests. It's not always serving. It's nothing special, but it's there, it's active, and it's happening.
I believe my God has called me to live in the ordinary because that's where the extraordinary happens. I think my gift may be to love others, and I'm dying to love. Just dying. I burst with it. I ooze with it. I marinade with it--ok, ok, you get the idea. I'm dying to love.
But how can I do that, without first seeing how deep the Father's love for me?
And yet I cannot grasp it. Its gravity, its weight.
Where it all takes places.
What else? I'm getting ready to sew my Wilma Flintstone costume together for Halloween. I'm continuing to look for a job that I like (piercing friendly, sleeping in the mornings). You know I don't worry as much as I used to. It's weird. I used to worry about a lot of things. It's not that I don't care about things, because I do. I think I'm just starting to believe what it says in I John about being anointed. You know what you know, you know? It can't be taken from you. It can't be taken from me. This hope for things unseen.
A good friend told me recently that sometimes it's okay to be afraid. Don't be crushed by it. Its gravity, its weight. Just trust. You are anointed. You are His.
This is where it all takes places.
Sometimes life is just so damn ordinary. It's getting a pedicure, courtesy of your aunt. It's tweezing your cousin's eyebrows. It's taking your Grandma's clothes and tearing them to pieces and designing a new outfit from the mess. It's going for walks every day. And getting a farmer's tan. It's watching your hair grow a little longer each day It's not always going to the beach like everyone suggests. It's not always serving. It's nothing special, but it's there, it's active, and it's happening.
I believe my God has called me to live in the ordinary because that's where the extraordinary happens. I think my gift may be to love others, and I'm dying to love. Just dying. I burst with it. I ooze with it. I marinade with it--ok, ok, you get the idea. I'm dying to love.
But how can I do that, without first seeing how deep the Father's love for me?
And yet I cannot grasp it. Its gravity, its weight.
Where it all takes places.
What else? I'm getting ready to sew my Wilma Flintstone costume together for Halloween. I'm continuing to look for a job that I like (piercing friendly, sleeping in the mornings). You know I don't worry as much as I used to. It's weird. I used to worry about a lot of things. It's not that I don't care about things, because I do. I think I'm just starting to believe what it says in I John about being anointed. You know what you know, you know? It can't be taken from you. It can't be taken from me. This hope for things unseen.
A good friend told me recently that sometimes it's okay to be afraid. Don't be crushed by it. Its gravity, its weight. Just trust. You are anointed. You are His.
This is where it all takes places.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Hard and Fast
It became a routine, this pushing and pulling.
I do not serve a God who cannot sympathize with my weaknesses, Hebrews 4:15.
I am weak.
The days go by hard and fast but never ceasing to remind me of how far I've come. I am not in Arizona any more. I will not be going back. I have been redeemed from careless, silly situations with boys that I've volunteered to be in. I am settling into California. With that being said, I will not settle for anything but that which I am made for.
Recently, I began a job, and then, I quit. Not very like me. I do not quit anything. But then again, I'm not sure what I'm like any more. It just wasn't for me. At first, going into it, it seemed this God-given answer to prayer. Money, sustenance, purpose, something to actually do. But it totally wasn't for me. I cannot justify that to anyone. I do not need to. So, back to the drawing board, praying please Lord, bring me into a likeable job. Preferably one that gives me a discount on product, and ok's facial piercings. Amen, amen.
My God is not ashamed to be my God. If he has called me to be weak, so I am. He is strong. And one thing I know is this--mercy outweighs judgment. I will not be convinced otherwise and yet sadly, others have tried.
The days come hard and fast.
I do not serve a God who cannot sympathize with my weaknesses, Hebrews 4:15.
I am weak.
The days go by hard and fast but never ceasing to remind me of how far I've come. I am not in Arizona any more. I will not be going back. I have been redeemed from careless, silly situations with boys that I've volunteered to be in. I am settling into California. With that being said, I will not settle for anything but that which I am made for.
Recently, I began a job, and then, I quit. Not very like me. I do not quit anything. But then again, I'm not sure what I'm like any more. It just wasn't for me. At first, going into it, it seemed this God-given answer to prayer. Money, sustenance, purpose, something to actually do. But it totally wasn't for me. I cannot justify that to anyone. I do not need to. So, back to the drawing board, praying please Lord, bring me into a likeable job. Preferably one that gives me a discount on product, and ok's facial piercings. Amen, amen.
My God is not ashamed to be my God. If he has called me to be weak, so I am. He is strong. And one thing I know is this--mercy outweighs judgment. I will not be convinced otherwise and yet sadly, others have tried.
The days come hard and fast.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Pushing and Pulling
You never know when the spirit of blogging will come upon you.
Right now, I'm just warming up for my daily work out....by drinking French roast.
I don't really know what's going on right now. God has been telling me over and over that I don't understand because I do not see what's going on behind the scenes. I've been given Isaiah 55:8 more than a few times this past week, and I know it's just God gracefully reproofing me for feeling sorry for myself at times, and, to know that his ways really are higher than my ways. I can't imagine what he's up to.
If someone were to ask me what I was doing now, what God is doing in my life, preparing me for, I'm afraid I'd say "nothing". I can't say that, because that would be a lie. When has God ever been up to nothing, just watching Fringe with a couple bottles of Redd's at his side?
I don't know what I can say. God has put me in this place of silence. The voices around me are quiet, and now it is my turn.
There's a verse in Philippians 2 that says to work out your own salvation with much fear and trembling. I kind of feel like that's where I am right now. To be honest, being 21 is way better than being 20 for a few reasons I won't mention, but those of you who know me, can easily figure out. :)
I've never been more anxiety driven than I am now and yet I know it is not for me to declare my needs to God. It is only for me to be silent, and still (Exodus 14:14, also She's All That).
I've been writing again lately. Not just journaling, but really writing. I haven't written like it since I was in college. It's relieving, when this spirit comes upon me from I know not where. It's kind of cool to see the mass of your brain--all its grey and spongy matter, simply written in one page.
Right now, I'm just warming up for my daily work out....by drinking French roast.
I don't really know what's going on right now. God has been telling me over and over that I don't understand because I do not see what's going on behind the scenes. I've been given Isaiah 55:8 more than a few times this past week, and I know it's just God gracefully reproofing me for feeling sorry for myself at times, and, to know that his ways really are higher than my ways. I can't imagine what he's up to.
If someone were to ask me what I was doing now, what God is doing in my life, preparing me for, I'm afraid I'd say "nothing". I can't say that, because that would be a lie. When has God ever been up to nothing, just watching Fringe with a couple bottles of Redd's at his side?
I don't know what I can say. God has put me in this place of silence. The voices around me are quiet, and now it is my turn.
There's a verse in Philippians 2 that says to work out your own salvation with much fear and trembling. I kind of feel like that's where I am right now. To be honest, being 21 is way better than being 20 for a few reasons I won't mention, but those of you who know me, can easily figure out. :)
I've never been more anxiety driven than I am now and yet I know it is not for me to declare my needs to God. It is only for me to be silent, and still (Exodus 14:14, also She's All That).
I've been writing again lately. Not just journaling, but really writing. I haven't written like it since I was in college. It's relieving, when this spirit comes upon me from I know not where. It's kind of cool to see the mass of your brain--all its grey and spongy matter, simply written in one page.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Restless
I woke up this morning just totally restless. My mind is buzzing and as usual, once I wake up in the morning, I'm up for good.
Tomorrow is my interview for the grocery store. I know my God goes before me. I keep thinking what if they ask me this question or this question? What will I say? Shouldn't I be mentally preparing myself? It's almost like I haven't been worrying about it at all and now I find myself thinking oh, you've got 24 hours to worry about getting this job until your blue in the face and batshit crazy so you might wanna get on that.
My God goes before me. He leads me. It is not I who leads, but it is him.
What is it with this nagging feeling like I always have to have one up on God? I live in constant fear of a surprise party. I need to know what's going to happen next with who and where and how. Now that I'm here in California, I'm honestly not sure where I want to end up or what I'm meant to be doing. Every time I think I've decided I want to do--teacher, beautician, receptionist at a tattoo parlor--God kind of nudges me and says, "you're meant for more" and I can only imagine what that is.
I'm living with my aunt right now and my three cousins. I'm about a half hour away from where my mom is, so I get to see her sometimes in the middle of the week or on the weekends. I am divinely positioned, however feeling like a spiritual nomad, if you will. Everything I use is lent. My cousin is graciously lending me her bedroom. I go to see my mom and she lends me her pants when I forget mine (yes I forget pants...). Where do I want to end up? I'm just not sure yet. Being with my dad's family is a comfortable place to be. And being with my mom is like being held up to a mirror, seeing who you really are up against the world.
Tomorrow is my interview for the grocery store. I know my God goes before me. I keep thinking what if they ask me this question or this question? What will I say? Shouldn't I be mentally preparing myself? It's almost like I haven't been worrying about it at all and now I find myself thinking oh, you've got 24 hours to worry about getting this job until your blue in the face and batshit crazy so you might wanna get on that.
My God goes before me. He leads me. It is not I who leads, but it is him.
What is it with this nagging feeling like I always have to have one up on God? I live in constant fear of a surprise party. I need to know what's going to happen next with who and where and how. Now that I'm here in California, I'm honestly not sure where I want to end up or what I'm meant to be doing. Every time I think I've decided I want to do--teacher, beautician, receptionist at a tattoo parlor--God kind of nudges me and says, "you're meant for more" and I can only imagine what that is.
I'm living with my aunt right now and my three cousins. I'm about a half hour away from where my mom is, so I get to see her sometimes in the middle of the week or on the weekends. I am divinely positioned, however feeling like a spiritual nomad, if you will. Everything I use is lent. My cousin is graciously lending me her bedroom. I go to see my mom and she lends me her pants when I forget mine (yes I forget pants...). Where do I want to end up? I'm just not sure yet. Being with my dad's family is a comfortable place to be. And being with my mom is like being held up to a mirror, seeing who you really are up against the world.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
There and Back Again
I'm sitting here typing away on my greasy keyboard waiting for my laundry to be done. I've been listening to this endless loop of Get Lucky by Daft Punk for the last hour and I figured I ought to make a blog seeing how I slept so late into the day.
We came home from vacation today--me, my cousins, aunt, uncle, and grandpa. We spent the week in Big Bear. It was nice up there but not as cool as I expected it to be. I packed my flannels and all my pajama pants and I don't think I really needed them :P
We woke up every morning around 8 a.m. and my grandpa made us a country breakfast (he's from Georgia) and then we went on with our day. Let's see....we visited the petting zoo, the regular zoo, the village, antique stores, mini golf, bowling alley, Denny's. It was all fine and good however I'm happy to be home and sleep in my own, or rather, my cousin's own bed.
I've decided that any pictures that just don't make the cut on Facebook will wind there way up here, so here is a few from this week/past month.
my babies still in Arizona
I just like this wall
antique shopping. This is dated between 50's-80's
at the petting zoo
you must be new here....
okay look closely...it's a sleeping raccoon.
missing my precious baby
Within a day of being in Big Bear my skin was totally clear, and my eyes looked a little bluer.
We came home from vacation today--me, my cousins, aunt, uncle, and grandpa. We spent the week in Big Bear. It was nice up there but not as cool as I expected it to be. I packed my flannels and all my pajama pants and I don't think I really needed them :P
We woke up every morning around 8 a.m. and my grandpa made us a country breakfast (he's from Georgia) and then we went on with our day. Let's see....we visited the petting zoo, the regular zoo, the village, antique stores, mini golf, bowling alley, Denny's. It was all fine and good however I'm happy to be home and sleep in my own, or rather, my cousin's own bed.
I've decided that any pictures that just don't make the cut on Facebook will wind there way up here, so here is a few from this week/past month.
my babies still in Arizona
I just like this wall
antique shopping. This is dated between 50's-80's
at the petting zoo
you must be new here....
okay look closely...it's a sleeping raccoon.
missing my precious baby
Within a day of being in Big Bear my skin was totally clear, and my eyes looked a little bluer.
God is teaching me a lot about trust and faith. I don't think you can have one without the other. He's also teaching me a lot about righteousness and how, he is my righteousness. I think he's telling me this because ever since I got here I've been hella insecure about starting over, hunting for a job, a new crew, etc. and in my heart I have these crazy desires and God is just like hey man I care about those too and I'm like yeah I know you do but I'm feeling a little batshit crazy. Lol...God is good.
I'll write again soon! XOXOXOX
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
California
So I guess you could say I'm officially here.
I left my house in AZ yesterday at about 9:30-10 a.m.ish and after stopping a couple times got to my aunt's at 5 p.m. When I got here my car was on empty which gave me anxiety because I didn't know where the nearest gas station was. Thankfully after dinner my cousins showed me the local 7-11. I think I'm going to need to practice driving here at night. I'm not used to the San Diego streets. Everything is a hill and I drive a station wagon so I think the bottom of my car hits every bump in the road, lol.
I haven't visited my grandparents, seen my mom, looked for a job, or done much of anything yet. I slept most of the night and I feel ready to go back to bed.
When we went out for dinner last night (Cheesecake Factory) I wore a sweater and shorts and it was around 70 degrees out and I was freezing. It's hard to believe I'm from California originally when I'm having to climatize all over again, lol. No more 100 degree nights me.
So what happens next? I guess just try to resume the routine I had back in AZ. Wake up, exercise, eat, talk to my friends read the Word look for work. I know what I need to do but there's a lot of static, if you will, going on in my brain right now.
Okay, hopefully I'll get some pictures going on up in here soon. Definitely after vacation next week.
xoxoxoxxxxxxx
Annie
I left my house in AZ yesterday at about 9:30-10 a.m.ish and after stopping a couple times got to my aunt's at 5 p.m. When I got here my car was on empty which gave me anxiety because I didn't know where the nearest gas station was. Thankfully after dinner my cousins showed me the local 7-11. I think I'm going to need to practice driving here at night. I'm not used to the San Diego streets. Everything is a hill and I drive a station wagon so I think the bottom of my car hits every bump in the road, lol.
I haven't visited my grandparents, seen my mom, looked for a job, or done much of anything yet. I slept most of the night and I feel ready to go back to bed.
When we went out for dinner last night (Cheesecake Factory) I wore a sweater and shorts and it was around 70 degrees out and I was freezing. It's hard to believe I'm from California originally when I'm having to climatize all over again, lol. No more 100 degree nights me.
So what happens next? I guess just try to resume the routine I had back in AZ. Wake up, exercise, eat, talk to my friends read the Word look for work. I know what I need to do but there's a lot of static, if you will, going on in my brain right now.
Okay, hopefully I'll get some pictures going on up in here soon. Definitely after vacation next week.
xoxoxoxxxxxxx
Annie
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